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Friday, 5 June 2015

Last Things

I am remembering her
We were saying goodbye again
I have always been leaving
She had always been
The one who stays
Now he is the one who stays

For so many years
I forgot the goodbyes
I remembered the hellos
So very many hellos
So very many first kisses

I can't remember
Any of the last kisses
Even now
I only remember
The catch in my breath
Before that first kiss
The soft whimper
From the back of my throat
As my soft body
Involuntarily sinks into yours
And your arms tighten
Hold me up
Even as my knees buckle

But today
I am thinking of last things
Last meals
Last laughter
Last fights
Our last dance
Your last touch
My final lingering glance your way

I sit at my kitchen table
For hours and hours now
With sweet milky hazelnut coffee
With crisp cold white wine
And look out my French doors
To my neglected garden
Which mirrors my neglected heart

I am thinking of Arthur
And how barren the land grew
In the wake of his desiccated broken heart
Until the Holy Grail was found
I wonder where my Holy Grail is
Are you my Holy Grail?
Is it your magic, your love
That keeps my heart from turning to dust?

And then I watch a black bird drink out of my fish pond
My fish pond, my fat orange gold fish that aren't my fish
And I remember years of loss and grief
And cold forgetfulness that feels like regret
And days and days spent talking to my fish
Who are no longer my fish
More last things

I planted a rose bush when we moved in
Virginia Woolf planted one at Sissinghurst
I was enraptured by her house, her gardens, her
When we got home I immediately ordered one
Dixie promptly dug it up when I planted it
Somehow it survived it's replanting
Will I?
Survive my replanting?

And then Dixie, the dog, learned to love my roses
Will she still love them when I am gone?
It has big fat barely pink blooms on it
More last things.

Soon there will be hellos
But right now my blood pounds
With too, too many goodbyes
I want to think about hellos
But I am lost in goodbyes
And last things

And a deep fear of that in between place
That place that isn't goodbye or hello
That place where so very much can go wrong

But today
I am watching my fish swim
I am listening to birds chirp and warble
I am watching rose petals fall into pots of lavender
While Dixie sleeps in the sun dreaming
I am craving your touch and your words
Even as I sink into my own silence
More last things



Monday, 1 June 2015

There are moments...

There are moments
In my endless days

Filled with the mundane
Worries of surviving life

When my heart
races with fear
My brain
conjures up facts
And terribly
sad probabilities

And yet

In the midst
Of all that
Confusion

I think of
You
Of the
Mere
Existence
Of you

And your love
And my love
Merge into
Our love

And my day
Pivots

From mundane
To extraordinary

From dusty, dry fear

To shimmering starlight


Home

Home

Today
I realised

As my heart
Cracked

And
Shattered
A little bit

That you
Haven't seen

That you
Are

And will
Always be

Home

Let me
Home you, baby


The truth is...

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
— Eleanor Roosevelt (You Learn by Living: Eleven Keys for a More Fulfilling Life)

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
— Frank Herbert (Dune (Dune Chronicles, #1))

The truth is
I am paralysed by fear

It is a dark
Horrific monster
Leaning over me
So very close

Sucking my breath
From dry, cracked lips

I wait for my heart to stop
For my sight to darken

For time to still
For my life to end

So I can begin again