Saturday, 4 April 2015

Running Out

The truth is

I am easily overwhelmed
Easily hurt beyond repair

I carry so many scars
So many bruises
That if you look closely
You will see 
I am merely 
Limping along

Some days 
I just want
To shut it all down

Be that crazy lady
With a hundred cats
Who one day 
Just stopped talking

It takes so much energy
To keep going
When stopping would be
Such a blessed relief

I am told I am loved
Some days
I even feel loved

But most days
It requires faith
To believe in something
I don't actually feel
Faith requires energy

The truth is

I am running out
Of energy
Of faith
Of belief
Of heart




Friday, 27 March 2015

Expectations

I have a best friend. 

She lives across the pond. We have late night conversations via Facebook Private Messenger, which is probably the least private messenging service on the interwebs. Just saying.

The other night she messaged me this: *The most difficult lesson for me is "expect nothing"....does this sound familiar to you???*

Expectations. They'll get you every time.

It reminded me of something my friend Sorsh said: "Let me say this. And it's something I'm working on too. We often have ideas about how things should look and how things should go. And then if it doesn't look that way we feel like its wrong or off. However, when we do that we are getting in the way of the gifts the universe is giving us, as they are given to us."

Expectations. Missed opportunities because we think we know...

The thing is sometimes we just don't know, can't know and probably it's not in our best interest to know.

But still...

When I was a little girl we used to play this game at birthday parties. Probably people still do but I've lived in England for a long time. It was called *Pin the Tail On The Donkey."

You get blindfolded. Fuck. Maybe that's where I discovered my love of being blindfolded.

Anyway.... You're blindfolded, handed a paper *tail* with a pin attached. Someone takes you by the shoulders and spins you 'round and round and gives you a mostly gentle shove.

My last six months has been a consistent metaphorical action of sightless girl being spun round and round and given a shove, followed by more spinning and more shoving.

Maybe just once I would like to see where I'm going and get what I expect...

But that's not what I meant to say at all.

I wanted to say, I'm a Gypsy Girl. I love the sound of my bangles as they jangle while I sway to the sounds of your guitar.

You feed me with your crazy juju magic. My soul lights up and my breath is made of stardust.

But tonight could I just crawl into your lap and let you soothe the hurt away with your hands?

I didn't mean to say that either.

I was going to say something profound about stars and dance and courage and spirit.

But, actually...

Just for tonight could I not be brave and strong and fierce and crawl into your lap instead?



Thursday, 26 March 2015

A Bit Too Much

We had voodoo
God, did we have voodoo

We were an ocean away
And still I could feel him
Deep inside my womb stirring

It used to bring me such joy
And a tiny little giggle at the magic

And how he could make me long
Make me lose myself to want

Until one day it just stopped
No matter how many times 
I stroked our talisman
The magic had just died

I wanted to believe I had 
Failed in some way
I wasn't enough
In some way
But I was too much
Maybe a little too old
Just a tiny bit too dull
Too experienced, too candid

Even in my gypsy dancing splendour
Just not quite what he required
To keep him hard, to keep him lusting
Perhaps he always knew 
I had a creeping expiration date

For me, I just keep dancing
From one campfire to the next
Knowing I was never not enough

But just possibly

A bit too much
 

Wednesday, 25 March 2015

This Is My Goodbye



Some days
I wait for good bye

It never comes

Some blank silences 
Followed by words
Powerful words 
That should obliterate
Those silences

I'm probably too needy
Probably

Some days
*I* say goodbye
I'm rarely heard

Occasionally
I'm asked to stay

Always
I'm told no one leaves

Today
I'm walking away
For just a bit

I want a goodbye
I want peck on the cheek
I want a deep
Soul destroying kiss

But today
It's me saying goodbye
Into a dark night
Filled with silence

And so...

This is my goodbye

Tightrope Dancer



In darkness
And in light
Hushed whispers
In a dark, dark night

In soft murky shadows
Sometimes a faint glow
Is enough, can be
Enough

Uneasy alliances
Precarious and
Out of balance
I feel clumsy
Sure I will falter
Stumble
Fall

A tightrope dancer
With a softly glowing heart
And luminous eyes

Takes one step
Then another
Graceful
Trusting
Believing

I watch
We all watch
Holding our breaths
Just a little
Or a lot

She walks this walk
Dances this dance
Looks me in the eye
Gives me a sly wink

And I know

She dances for me
She dances
In my place, for me

And I know

Because 
She lives in me
Dances in me

I will not fall


Feist and words for my breaking heart

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=I2uVRMBD5RY

Sunday, 22 March 2015

Mermaid Girl


When does safe 
Become not safe

This mermaid girl
Longs for the sea again

She never quite learned
The steps to this dance

The kiss of a man
Is a potent charm

Almost enough
To sustain life

Almost





Sometimes We Choose

And then sometimes 
We just choose badly
Choose pretty shiny, 
Choose a well turned phrase
Over constancy, 
Over depth, 
Over truth

Sometimes 
We are just too easily 
Seduced

I walk away a lot
I walk a lot
My feet have charms
Embedded in their soles

Diamonds sparkle like
Brilliant stars against
A dark black night

Each step I take 
Is an incantation

Sometimes I weave magic 
To bring me closer to you
Sometimes I pray to every 
God and Deity and Demon
I know to please let me go

And them sometimes
I just choose very badly
Choose pretty shiny
Choose a well turned phrase


Saturday, 21 March 2015

Dancing With Death

I have been dancing with Death again
A slow dance, as I am a watcher
I am a mourner, a singer of the dirge
A broken hearted little bird singing off key

I never know why he picks me
To be his dark shadowy companion
To witness the fragility of the human body
Or the sheer magnitude of the human heart

But my heart breaks watching sons shed tears
For a father that was their tower of strength
Now struggling to eat, to sleep, to be
I am helpless, a mere witness to such love
To such suffering, to such enormity of spirit

I can feel the somber presence of Death
Watching, waiting, lurking in the shadows
And even with his hand resting on my shoulder
I speak of mundane things with a watery smile

I don't offer hope to the hopeless, even though
Every breath in my body wants to breathe hope
I say I love you every few minutes like a mantra
I wonder if it is annoying to be given words of love

Can repetition destroy the love you are offering
I can't seem to stop myself so the words continue
I want to lift him up, cradle his sick body against
My warm, alive breast until he is strong again

I want to kiss his brow furrowed with worry
Until it is smooth again, hear his easy laugh again
But Death is asking for another dance, a twirl or two
I'm not ready for another dance, another dirge

I whisper I love you, like a mantra, 
Like the breath of life for the dying
Or perhaps it is my gift of Spirit
Or perhaps it is all I have left to give
Or maybe it is all he is able to receive

I have been dancing with Death again.





Monday, 16 March 2015

Sing Me Home Again

Sing me home again
Breathe me alive again
Kiss me with absolution
Touch me with redemption

These chaotic depths pull
And prod and break
And I am forgotten in this
Fierce cosmic struggle
For light, for love
For goodness

Sing me home again


16 March 2015, 1:00 pm,
West Sussex, England

The Allen Ginsberg Project: Meditation and Poetics - 61 (Whitman - 4)

The Allen Ginsberg Project: Meditation and Poetics - 61 (Whitman - 4):   [ Walt Whitman and Peter Doyle circa 1869 - Photograph by M.P.Rice, Washington DC - via Ohio Wesleyan University, Bayley Collecti...

Friday, 13 March 2015

A State of Grace

Some long sweet days
I'm surprisingly graceful
Most days I merely attempt
That soft state of grace

I often wonder if intent
Is enough or merely
Another excuse for
Another clumsy failure

We stumble along looking
Seeking, searching, 
Even desperately begging
Hands out in supplication

Sometimes we finally fall 
Long and soft and helplessly 
Into strong warm waiting arms 

Sometimes our face smacks hard
Against cold brutal, barren
Unforgiving winter ground

Even then we find ourselves
Gently lifted up by hope, belief

And, yet, still...

When we least expect it
When our gait is filled 
With so much grace it shines
Our heart brimming with love

There is a dip in the road
An unexpected turning 
That must be traversed 
With a careful, strained patience
That stretches our capacity 
For compassion, for understanding

To be a witness is to willingly
Be filled with a fearful watching
Our heart in our hands our offering
For we cannot always fix this hurt

We can only hold a sacred space
For healing, for comfort, for loving
And wait for our heart to beat again
Wait for that feeling of divine wholeness 
To return again, sing us home again

And this is where we will find 
That sacred state of grace 
We were seeking all along

13 March 2015, 7:00 am, 
West Sussex, England





Watcher

I am sitting on a log
I was walking yesterday
I was a sea nymph
Singing my girls home

Today I can't quite
Reach that place of living
That familiar place of singing
Today I am a watcher



Monday, 2 March 2015

Some Days

Some days
No matter
How hard you try
You just aren't able to
Crawl out of the sadness
Find your goodness
Be that radiant light

No matter how hard
You kick your Doc Martens
At life, it just kicks right back
... with steel toed work boots

I believe in cycles
In the ebbing and flowing
Of mystical, magical
Cosmic energies
Of catching that
Perfect wave
And riding it in

But some days
The motion is 
So very slow
And the emotion 
I am trying 
To flow with 
Descends
Heavy and heartless

Like that giant wave 
The one that comes 
Out of nowhere 
Crashing against you
Just As you turn 
Your back on that
Vicious capricious sea
Submerging you
Hurling you 
Through vast
Murky waters
Until it tosses you 
Bruised and shaken
On some sandy beach 
But with less confidence
Less surety of purpose, 
Less  poise

Some days 
There are just too many 
Crashing waves

Some days like today